The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need by Paul Pearsall

Author:Paul Pearsall
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Basic Books
Published: 2010-05-27T00:00:00+00:00

THE DECISION TO DIVORCE

I have seen that single parents can do an amazing and courageous job of raising healthy and happy kids, but I am now convinced that no amount of parenting skill can replace the added developmental bonus of growing up in a home with two consistently loving parents who share the privilege of developing with their children. This model is difficult to attain when we so strongly emphasize “self” over “us” help. I wonder whether the preponderance of single parenting and the fact that three out of four children do not grow up in a two-parent home may be directly related to the priority we have come to assign to self-happiness over parental responsibility. A little more guilt about not taking the time to make and stay in a loving relationship may not be a bad thing.

Although an individual sometimes has no option left but to end a marital relationship and try to raise children from that relationship alone, the emphasis placed on fulfilling the self first at almost any cost nonetheless causes children to come second. “Staying together for the children” is now seen as the wrong reason to stay married. Research shows that staying together may be worth more consideration not only for the children but for the ultimate health and well-being of the parents themselves.

The research of the negative impacts of divorce on all persons involved is clear. Divorce is not just “another thing” that happens on the path to self-discovery and personal esteem-building; it’s a terrible thing. No adult or child should have to go through it. I agree with David Myers, who summarized his research on the impact of divorce this way: “Divorce is like having a leg amputated. It’s bad news, the remedy of last resort, and something we all hope to avoid. But sometimes it’s better than keeping the hopeless diseased limb.”9

The research clearly shows that dual parenting is better for children than single parenting.10 This is not because single parents love their children any less than married parents; it’s because the focus on fulfilling their own potential and doing what they decided was best for themselves contributed to their choice to stop trying to make a relationship work. As a result, their love is stretched thin by the pressures of doing alone what most married parents find difficult enough to do together.

This may sound old-fashioned or “conservative.” But my own experience and the current research shows that staying together for the children and putting the self second is not nearly as destructive to either the parent or the child as self-potentialists warn. To those who say they can’t possibly stay together because of the constant arguing, I suggest they put in the effort to try to shut up, grow up, and stop fighting. I ask them to ask themselves whether they have not placed representing and standing up for themselves above valuing the intact family.

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